You know that you want your wedding ceremony and vows to be totally unique to you and your partner, but how do you go about writing something all your own? Here are some ideas about what you might want to include, and some questions to ask yourself to get to your perfect vows. Even when we aren’t attached to tradition, it’s true that human beings generally like ritual, and even the most typical traditions include fundamental elements that are worth reviving. Here’s the anatomy of a typical American wedding ceremony:

 

Procession: Couple enters the ritual space, individually or together, with or without attendants (parent(s), bride’s maids, groom’s men, flower girl, etc.)
Convocation: Officiant welcomes everyone, reminds us that we’re here to witness and participate in a sacred rite
Inspirational Readings: Chosen by the couple and read by loved ones, can be interspersed throughout the ceremony
Invocation: Officiant invokes the greater spiritual and cultural context of marriage
Statement of Intent: Officiant asks the couple to affirm their intention to marry — “Do you take [name] to be your wife/husband [or whatever designation you choose]?” Each answers “I do.”
Vows: Couple’s promises to each other
Rings: Symbol of the couple’s promises and their union
Pronouncement: “By the power vested in me by [the state, the church, the universe, etc.], I now pronounce you Married”
And then, of course, the all important kiss… but we’re not quite done yet.
Benediction: Officiant calls on whatever higher powers are being addressed to bless the union
Recession: Couple leaves the ritual space together

 

When you think about what each of these parts means to you and your families, you might get some new insight into what would feel best for your ceremony.

 

In many religions, there is a proscribed ceremony, and proscribed vows that the couple says to each other. These days, many couples write their own. Sometimes they have a set of vows that the officiant will ask each of them to repeat (the officiant is there to make it easier on you!) or sometimes couples each read their own vows to each other. The point is that these are the things you promise to be, bring to, and do in the partnership you are now committing to. So here are some questions that might lead you to what kinds of promises you’d like to make. Try answering these questions individually and then sharing your answers when you’re done. Many of your ideas may overlap, but also try to include the ideas that are different for each of you.

 

1. What is the most meaningful thing that a person could say or do that makes you feel totally loved? (ie. say “I love you” every day, give flowers, listen without judgment, always tell the truth, etc.) What is the most meaningful thing that a person could say or do that makes your partner feel totally loved? These may be different things, so perhaps you could each promise to say or do the thing that makes the other most feel loved.

 

2. What do you feel are the 3 most important things about being, and staying, married?

 

3. What are the 3 most significant things you love about your partner?

 

4. What was it about your partner that most caught your attention when you first met? Write out the story of how you met and fell in love.

 

5. What frightens you most about something as big as Commitment for Life?

 

6. What do you see as the 3 biggest challenges you’ll face in your life together?

 

7. What do you think are the greatest life lessons you and your partner have to learn from each other?

 

As you look at your answers and your partners answers, then you can write your vows to include all the most important ideas here. It doesn’t matter if they include anything that anyone else has ever said before or not — it just matters that they’re the biggest, best, most meaningful thing you can promise to your love, to the one you’re choosing as your partner for life.

 

With blessings,
Reverend Max

www.reverendmax.com