This afternoon I sat down with Autumn Adamme, owner and designer of Dark Garden Unique Corsetry and Le Jardin Bridal Couture, and asked what advice she has for people getting married. Given that she designs over 500 wedding ensembles per year, has been to countless weddings and has been married herself, it is not surprising that her advice is so practical it could apply to everyday living.

1. Appoint a Designated Question Answerer. This is especially important for a DIY bride. The “DQA” can be the maid of honor or the best butch, or simply your bossiest friend. It should be someone who is with you for much of the planning process that knows your answers, or knows you well enough to judge when they can answer in your place. The questions you will be asked on the day will range from “Where do you want the florist to put the flowers?” to “Just how soon will you be ready?” to “I thought you didn’t want children here. What should I tell your friend that brought his 6 year old?” Having someone to take care of these simple yet endless questions will free you up to enjoy
yourself.

2. Coordinate your clothing with your intended. The two of you should look like you belong next to each other. Whether through color or silhouette, matching or contrasting, make a choice that looks deliberate.

3. Give yourself time cushions. If someone else is doing your hair and/or make-up, double their time estimate. Really! But don’t tell them. Almost all delays at a wedding are due to either hair or make-up taking longer than planned. And with so many people to consider (from guests, to your intended, to professionals you’ve hired) the stress of being late is a bad way to start the day.

4. Give other people time cushions. If your friend is making your wedding ensemble, tell them you must have it a week sooner than you really want it-then if they run behind schedule, you won’t be stressed.

5. Have the pronoun/title discussion earlier rather than later. At some time, well in advance of the rehearsal dinner (or other first meeting), make time to speak with your families to let them know your partner’s preferences when it comes to pronouns and/or titles. She/He, Bride/Bride, Bride/Groom, Partner, Wife, Husband, Spouse…Beloved.

Congratulations on your wedding! You’ve probably never hired a professional photographer before, and know little about wedding photography. Below are my “The Eight P’s for Choosing Your Photographer”– guidelines to lead you to the very best choice you can make, regardless of your budget or taste.

1. PRIORITIZE: How important is the photography to you? This is one of the few times in your lives that everyone you love will be in one spot. Photography is the best means to capture this. If this is not important, then have your friends take photos. If it IS important, then hire a…

2. …PROFESSIONAL, someone– like me– with plenty of experience photographing weddings, not someone who does it as a sideline. It is not a job that “anyone” can do, though frequently “anyone” tries to. It requires photographic skill, technical knowledge, the ability to work quickly in stressful situations, an orientation towards service, and back-up equipment…for a start. Most important of all, it requires a pleasing…
3. …PERSONALITY. You’ve probably heard stories about the Photo Nazi who ruined the wedding. Simply put, not everyone is cut out to be a wedding photographer. If you like your photographer, you’ll probably like your photos. If you don’t like your photographer, you won’t like your photos that much, either. Related to personality is this: “Does your photographer have…”

4. …PASSION? I love what I do! I love being a professional photographer, I love going to weddings, and as a married gay man, doing FAMILY weddings. That’s why I left commercial work many years ago– the human rewards of what I do. I love being told years after the event that my clients are still enjoying their wedding photography, that it always brings them back to that day. Which brings us to…

5. …PHOTOS. Do they move you, delight you, give you a sense of the wedding and the people at it? Do they tell a story? Are there portraits to capture the people, candids to capture the moment, and artistic photos to capture the beauty and elegance of the day? In group shots, is everyone visible? And what about the quality of the…

6. …PRINTS? Are they in focus and properly exposed? Is the color consistent and pleasing? Are B&W prints neutral in tone, or do they have a color cast? And speaking of quality, what about the…
7. …PRODUCTS? Does the photographer provide you with archival quality albums and prints, produced by a PROFESSIONAL photo lab? I provide life-time guarantees on all your albums and prints.

Because of these questions…
8. …PRICE is the last thing you should look at. If the photos are important to you, hire the best photographer you can afford, someone who gives positive answers to all of the items above, especially #3 #5. If you get what you want, it’s worth hiring a true professional. If you don’t get what you want, whatever you paid is too much.

Procession: Couple enters the ritual space, individually or together, with or without attendants (parent(s), bride’s maids, groom’s men, flower girl, etc.)
Convocation: Officiant welcomes everyone, reminds us that we’re here to witness and participate in a sacred rite
Inspirational Readings: Chosen by the couple and read by loved ones, can be interspersed throughout the ceremony
Invocation: Officiant invokes the greater spiritual and cultural context of marriage
Statement of Intent: Officiant asks the couple to affirm their intention to marry — “Do you take [name] to be your wife/husband [or whatever designation you choose]?” Each answers “I do.”
Vows: Couple’s promises to each other
Rings: Symbol of the couple’s promises and their union
Pronouncement: “By the power vested in me by [the state, the church, the universe, etc.], I now pronounce you Married”
And then, of course, the all important kiss… but we’re not quite done yet.
Benediction: Officiant calls on whatever higher powers are being addressed to bless the union
Recession: Couple leaves the ritual space together

When you think about what each of these parts means to you and your families, you might get some new insight into what would feel best for your ceremony.

In many religions, there is a proscribed ceremony, and proscribed vows that the couple says to each other. These days, many couples write their own. Sometimes they have a set of vows that the officiant will ask each of them to repeat (the officiant is there to make it easier on you!) or sometimes couples each read their own vows to each other. The point is that these are the things you promise to be, bring to, and do in the partnership you are now committing to. So here are some questions that might lead you to what kinds of promises you’d like to make. Try answering these questions individually and then sharing your answers when you’re done. Many of your ideas may overlap, but also try to include the ideas that are different for each of you.

1. What is the most meaningful thing that a person could say or do that makes you feel totally loved? (ie. say “I love you” every day, give flowers, listen without judgment, always tell the truth, etc.) What is the most meaningful thing that a person could say or do that makes your partner feel totally loved? These may be different things, so perhaps you could each promise to say or do the thing that makes the other most feel loved.

2. What do you feel are the 3 most important things about being, and staying, married?

3. What are the 3 most significant things you love about your partner?

4. What was it about your partner that most caught your attention when you first met? Write out the story of how you met and fell in love.

5. What frightens you most about something as big as Commitment for Life?

6. What do you see as the 3 biggest challenges you’ll face in your life together?

7. What do you think are the greatest life lessons you and your partner have to learn from each other?

As you look at your answers and your partners answers, then you can write your vows to include all the most important ideas here. It doesn’t matter if they include anything that anyone else has ever said before or not — it just matters that they’re the biggest, best, most meaningful thing you can promise to your love, to the one you’re choosing as your partner for life.

With blessings,
Reverend Max

www.reverendmax.com